You Worsen The Noise In My Head

My mind, as someone struggling with depression and anxiety, is a very loud place. It kind of sounds like the inside of a clock: the constant ticking as the seconds go by, the rattling chimes as each hour strikes, and the screeching of the rusty gears shifting. My mind is constantly working, and while my body is being overworked on the inside, on the outside my limbs are exhausted and heavy. It’s difficult to walk, to talk, even to keep my eyes open. My jaw is always tense and clenched, my fingers always bitten and bruised, my eyelids drooping as if I haven’t slept in days. My mind and my body is screaming for relief and the volume inside me shakes awake my migraines.

Occasionally, a burst of laughter or sarcastic comment can soothe the unsettling noise in my mind, and often, music can provide some relief too, but only certain types of music: one wrong note can throw off the entire system my mind has created and the elves of anger burst out of the curves of my cortex and run around to the outer layers of my mind and hammer against me with their knuckles.

With so much noise inside, it’s comforting to be surrounded by silence. I’m not saying I don’t want to be around any noise or any people, but there are simply certain tones and volumes that only add to the tension in my chest. Unnecessary and overwhelming noises, such as random screams and comments, constant rambling, rapid speech, accelerated melodies, unintentional off-key singing, and loud chewing send me into a state of madness and my insides scream with frustration.

I know that these noises are just parts of the world, they exist and probably don’t bother other people as much as they bother me. But when there is already so much unnecessary, constant ramble in my mind, the addition of more sends me off edge. I know that some people are simply more perky, stimulating and energetic than I am, and although there’s nothing wrong with that and that energy is often exciting, for me it’s simply exhausting, especially when I am constantly around it.

I'm not asking anyone to change or be less of who they are, I'm just kindly asking, when I ask for some silence, don't hand me partial silence. Please don't say you'll stop singing but whisper instead, please don't play your music out loud unless you are showing me a song, please don't yell out comments about the football game you're watching while I'm studying, and please, please don't type on your keyboard with all the force in your fingertips because it's only adding to the noise.