The Loneliness

I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by family and I have really great friends who I appreciate more than anything. But I'm lonely. The difference is, it's one thing to be surrounded by people physically, but it's another thing to be supported by people emotionally. I know that my friends and family try, but sometimes it feels like they're not really trying.

It feels debilitating to be drowning when I never thought I'd drown again. At least, never thought I'd drown to this point again. I'm usually high-functioning, regardless of my mental state. But now, I'm barely functioning. It's difficult to leave my bed. It's difficult to do basic things and it's so exhausting to just move. Or think. Or speak. Today all I've eaten is half a bagel because even chewing is exhausting. I feel pathetic, I feel like an emotional wreck because I can't stop crying and sometimes I don't even know why. I just know I'm sad and I'm in so much pain.

I distance myself when I get like this, which is ironic because all I want is closeness and support. I just want someone to ask me, "what's going on? Is there anything I can do?" I just want someone to listen, someone to hug me, someone to care enough to support me the way I have supported everyone in my life.

I'm the rock. I know I'm the rock. I'm the person people call to vent to, the person they run to when something happens, the shoulder to cry on. And I wouldn't change that, ever. But sometimes I wish someone could do that for me. I've learned, though, that I can't put up expectations for people. Just because I go out of my way for others doesn't mean people are going to do the same for me. I just wish someone would. Because I'm really struggling, and I guess this is my cry for help.