My Inability to "Let it Go"

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always held grudges against people who have hurt me. I have an inability to “let it go.” I can’t just move on. I can’t just forgive and forget. I don’t even think I can forgive and not forget. It seems like I move on pretty well; I usually make amends with the people I care about. But something in me still holds a grudge. Something in me feels guilty for pretending like everything is okay. Often I feel like conflicts are not resolved, simply because they haven’t been spoken about. To me, it’s not good enough if everything just reverts to normal or even to better. To me, it’s important to discuss what happened in the past and how I felt. It’s important that people understand why I felt broken. Without that closure, I feel trapped. I feel misunderstood.       My main experience with this is regarding my relationship with the person who emotionally and verbally damaged me. We never got along. If we talked, it was never good; it consisted of yelling and insulting. Or we just avoided each other. She’d often give me the silent treatment when she didn’t approve of something I said/did. She didn’t know how to speak in a normal tone. I tried to work with her but she was stubborn, she believed only her way was the right way and there was no room for compromise. I was not willing to lose myself to please her.       Last summer, this person got sick. It impacted a lot of people in my life, but the main change was in her. She was more quiet and more mellow. She yelled less. She was less harsh and more understanding. She slept more and insulted less. She stopped making me feel worthless. And then I went to college. We spoke on the phone every day. We still do. We talk about things we would’ve never spoken to each other about in the past. But we’ve never spoken about the past. We went from bad to spontaneously good. Of course, I’m so grateful for this change, but I have no closure. I’ve never expressed my grudge towards her because it doesn’t seem acceptable. We don’t discuss those things. So they just remain unresolved. I don’t know if I’ll ever discuss this with her. Things are better, but they’re not even close to perfect. I won’t complain because all I ever dreamt of was better, and that’s what I’ve gotten. But unfortunately, better doesn’t erase the past.